Yom Kippur Reflections on Parenting
by Deena Shahrooz, TCEE’s Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant
Every year on Yom Kippur, we are asked to reflect on ourselves and our lives and think about how we can do better in the year ahead. In the services we list through the many transgressions we may have made this year and ask for forgiveness from God, from our friends and family, and ourselves. Acknowledging my own fallibility is challenging and humbling, yet necessary for growth and change. I take comfort in knowing that Yom Kippur will come every year, and that I am not expected to achieve perfection, just growth from one year to the next. This same reflection is necessary to help us be better parents - just as we grow each year as a person, we can, and should, grow and improve as a parent.
There is no universal guide to parenting, although many have tried to write one! Each child is different, just as we as parents are all different; we each have unique strengths and challenges, as do our children. Something that may work with one won’t with another, not because they are being difficult or trying to make things harder for us, but because they need different approaches. With an advanced degree in child development and years of experience working with children, I expected to be a perfect parent, and have perfect children, but my children quickly humbled me. I learned that real life gets in the way of expectations; food preferences, sensory issues and the will of a child overrule any plans I make, no matter how textbook perfect they are. Parenting is messy and hard and amazing all at once. Every child is a unique individual that we get the privilege and responsibility to help grow into the best version of themselves. Ultimately, the connection between a parent and their child is the magic that will make everything else make sense. That strong attachment, that is essential for a child’s development, takes work to secure. A child innately wants to feel loved and safe, and it is on us as the adults to nurture that attachment and protect it.
Circle of Security Parenting is a unique course that asks us to reflect on ourselves as people and caregivers, to consider what we are bringing to our children and how that impacts their growth and development. That reflection, when done sincerely with an open heart and mind, is humbling and enlightening. I first learned of the program recently, so my children were older (from 6yrs- 14yrs) and it has changed my parenting and my way of looking at my children in ways I never expected. I have learned to be more understanding and forgiving of them and myself, by changing how I look at parenting challenges. By prioritizing our connection and relationship and not their behaviors or my expectations, we are all happier. And most importantly I realized that there is no quick fix - parenting is a never-ending journey, and Circle of Security gave me the tools and the insight to appreciate that journey, and my responsibility to it.
This Yom Kippur when I reflect on myself as a person, I will make a conscious effort to reflect on myself as a parent. To honestly consider my strengths and challenges, to consider the parts of me that hold me back from being my best version of a parent. And I invite you all to reflect on your parenting and choose one goal that you can work on this year; we are not striving for perfection, only improvement. There will always be next year for the next goal! And if you would like to find out more about Circle of Security as a tool to support you on your journey to being a better parent, please reach out to me at dshahrooz@ohabei.org.
